Bad Blogger....

**Don't know why this post was never...posted. Anyway, here it is....1 yr late :)**

I know, I'm failing miserably at this blogging thing. Everytime I sit down to blog, something else pops into my head that I could be doing or I decide that there isn't much to blog about that people would be interested in reading. So, I'm going to catch you up and then go empty the dishwasher!

As I blog, Nathan is supposed to be napping. Instead, he is roaring like a lion in his bed. He is absolutely a strong willed child. He has a scream that rattles your ear drums and enjoys watching your reaction while he does it. That poem that says something about, "and when he was good, he was very, very good and when he was bad, he was horrid" fits Nate quite well. He throws everything within reach, will scream if he doesn't get his way, loves to aggravate his sister, gets into everything, and when he is mad, he is MAD. Yet, he is quick to giggle, and give you a kiss. Nate will come crawling at high speed if you sit down and open your arms to him. His smile melts my heart. He is usually content to play by himself. No, he isn't walking yet, but he is pulling up and cruising more and more. He can be a cuddlebug when he is tired. I love my Naters. He signs (this isn't a complete list): more, no, yes, grapes, dog, cat, bird, please, thank you, daddy, mommy, sleep, drink, eat, motorcycle, car, horse, Papa, Nonnie, all done, shoes, and monkey, go, candy, leaf, tree, flower....He is one smart boy! In almost all of the picture I have of Nate, his lovee is present as well. This dog is his everything! I wash it all the time (thank goodness my washing machine has a sanitize feature!). The other morning, while I was washing it, he noticed it was missing. He sat on the floor and signed dog for a good 30 minutes before we took him for a car ride to distract him. It was a sad, sad, time.

Avery is a talker. She has lots of questions and will keep asking them until you answer her. I love watching her figure things out. She doesn't play by herself. Many days it feels like she is trying to re-enter my body. Sitting next to me (more like On me) on the couch, following me to the bathroom, saying"Mommy, sit with me" while she is eating. "What are you doing?" "What are you looking for?" "Why not?" "Where is it?" "Where are you going?" "Why?" "What happened?"...it never stops. Her conversations are priceless. She is strong willed too (seems to be a trend...) and we are trying to figure out the best way to parent her. Ave is such a lover and a great big sister. She refuses to start potty training. Not quite sure what to do about that one. Tonight at dinner her prayer was, "Dear God, thank you for our food (at this point, she stops to give me a nod.) Thank you for our family. Thank you for our friends. For My friends. My friends are far away (spreading her arms wide). Thank you for...(breaking into song) listening. God is listening, God is listening, when we pray, when we pray. Bow your head so quietly, close your eyes so tightly...Nay-Nate...Close Your Eyes!" At this point I was laughing so hard I didn't hear the rest of the prayer. Her comment this morning when I was getting her dressed, "Ugh..my pants are falling up." She is the Best big sister!

Halloween was fun. Ave was Dorothy and Nate was the Cowardly Lion. We did the usual. Trunk or Treat with the church and on Halloween night, we go to close friends and families houses.





Christmas was a great time to be with family. I love the Holidays but the days without routine get to me. HoHo brought Nate an alligagtor rocker and Ave a piano. HoHo also brought them a very loud flute. I don't know what he was thinking....

Under Construction: The Gray Area

How do you balance being a wife, mommy, manager, house cleaner, chef, friend, daughter, and laundromat without losing yourself??

I'm beginning to think that what my dad has been saying ALL my life may be true. It's about balance. Meaning I balance my friend time with my hubby time and my mommy time. I went on a BFF date this evening (and had a GREAT time!) and couldn't help feeling guilty that I wasn't there to put the kids to bed. I wasn't there to do our 'Thing' (in which we sit down, sing praise songs, talk about our prayer requests, and then have a chain prayer....sweet, sweet time). I haven't been on a date night in a while and deep down I know that spending a night away from them every once in a while is good for both parties involved. But, the guilt is still there. While I was screaming while watching a scary movie, I was missing the cuddling and hearing sweet voices singing praises to Him.

Another example: I needed to cook dinner but the kids seemed to Need me. I told myself that cooking dinner was important and let them play by themselves for awhile. Before I know it, Nate is screaming that Ave "Squeezed his arm like This (insert iron fist here)!!". Avery wanted Nathan to dance with her. She needed some attention (and a dance partner) while I was playing chef. Should I have been playing Prince or chef?

I liken this feeling to an exercise Sherri told me about. Imagine you are standing in the middle of 4 cones...each a bit far out of reach from your place in the center. Someone yells, "front-left!" and you run to touch that cone and run back to the middle. Now imagine all the responsibilities you have in your life, taped to various cones and spread around a baseball field. Someone yells, "Mommy time!" and you run to that cone, take care of the responsibility and run back to home plate. Then, "Laundry!" There and back. "Daughter time". Run! "Wife". "Grocery shop"...Whew! It's never ending!

Each cone is important but there are some more important than others. The Mommy cone is very important. As are the wife, friend, and daughter cones. The Chef cone can be put on the back burner (that's what delivery is for). The laundry cone becomes increasingly bigger the longer you ignore it. Same with the housekeeping cone.

In my anxious times I feel like all I am doing is running from cone to cone. In my peaceful times, the cones are sitting close together. All within arms reach. Sometimes, my cones move apart and I can't even reach them. Those are the times I feel as if I'm drowning....running without moving. It's in those times that I have to call out. I pray for peace. For the anxiousness to go away. For me to be SuperMom and for God to intercede. I also call out for my friends and family. My friends that are family. I couldn't get through without them. They come and move the cones closer. They take care of the cones that have me overwhelmed.

It's during those times that God gives me glimpses of what is important. Mainly, my children and their childhood. A random hug from Nathan or an "I love you, Mommy" from Avery. They are precious. Precious in my sight and in His. The things they do that lift my heart are innumerous. Their laughter, singing praise songs in the backseat, learning more about the world, playing together, giving me hugs and kisses, simply smiling when the cones are moving farther away. They get me through. My family gets me though. He gets me through.

I don't know where this post was going. But I felt the need to let others know....I feel overwhelmed, too. He can help us all.

Easter is about Jesus!

Easter is one of my favorite times of year. I love the colors, the decorations, the cute Easter outfits and the meaning of Easter. That Jesus is not in the tomb! He was crucified for our sins but He Rose again! Hallelujah!

Avery is a bit young to capture the idea of death and dying but she knows the words and knows that Jesus died on the cross. We read many books about Easter and talked in great lengths about the meaning of this special holiday. So, when I told her that we were going to dye Easter eggs tomorrow with our friends, she looked at me in horror. She said ," We can't dye the Easter eggs! I don't want to!" I said (clearly not catching on....), "That is what we do when Easter comes" Avery is almost in tears and says," But I don't want to kill the eggs! That's mean! Why are they dying?!" "Ah...." And so started the discussion of the difference between the words dye and die. After the discussion she said she understood but whenever I would mention that we would be dyeing eggs soon, she would look a little panicked.

Every year we get together with the same family to dye eggs. The Martensens have a little boy 6 weeks older than Nate. We have been friends with them since before the boys were born and started the tradition the first Easter that the boys had. It gets more interesting every year! This year we had a 3 1/2 yr old girl and 2 2 1/2 yr old boys that love to throw things. Even when you say, "Gentle! We don't throw eggs! and especially not into something that will stain!".

Since Daddy was working on Easter day, we had our family Easter on Good Friday. I love letting the kids set the eggs outside in their basket for the Easter bunny to hide and leave goodies in their place. I even love waking up with Daddy at 6am to hide the eggs in the dark, wet, somewhat spooky, backyard. I love the anticipation during breakfast as they look outside to try and see what's in their basket and where the Easter bunny hid the eggs. Family memories :)

Avery told me that in an Easter basket, the Easter bunny always leaves a chocolate bunny. And look at that, he did! And look at that, I'm letting them eat the chocolate bunnies! Amazing!

I found the most precious Easter outfits for the kids. Avery is into anything that looks like a Princess dress, that swirls like a Princess dress, and is purple! Check, check, check! She loved it!! Nate was less impressed. His outfit matched his sisters outfit but more on a GQ level. Purple shirt, grey vest, black trousers and a clip on tie! It was adorable! He didn't agree.

Easter Sunday was an interesting morning. Doug and I went to volunteer in the signing office at LTC in Dallas from Fri afternoon-Sat evening. On the way home Saturday night I realized that the black shoes that I had planned on Nathan wearing wouldn't fit! Everything was closed when I got home! So, Easter morning comes and I try to squeeze the shoes onto Nate's feet. Not.Gonna.Happen. We all get dressed and ready for church, except Nathan's bare feet and skip class to go to Walmart in search of some black dress shoes. To my surprise.....they Don't Have ANY! Luckily, when I was texting with my brilliant mom that morning and telling her that I was going to have to go to walmart for shoes she had some wonderful advice "you may want to take an extra pair of church clothes for him unless walmart doesn't have anything." Well, walmart didn't have anything so I ended up changing Nate in the car. Which he did not like. Into way less cuter clothes that didn't match his sister. Which I did not like. Nathan hadn't quite gotten over the morning when it was picture time.

As I was growing up, I didn't understand how much work holidays are for the parents. Holidays change schedules, cost money, and take planning and preparation. Among all the craziness, I try to remember that things don't have to be perfect. Baskets don't have to look aesthetically pleasing. Kids don't have to match on Easter morning with brand new clothes. What matters most, is that our family comes together to celebrate the holiday. No matter what it is or how it turns out (according to plan or not) we are making memories and traditions that will last throughout our children's life. Glorifying God with our celebration and making sure that our kids understand the true meanings of the holidays. And that is what matters most.

Time is limited

I know, I know..I'm a bad blogger! Raising 2 kids, keeping up with a house, a job and a husband leaves little time for blogging! Funny how someone getting sick causes you to visit them more often. My grandparents live on the same plot of land as my parents and often I would drive by their house to my parents' house without giving them a second thought. Then, my sweet papa recently spent almost a week in the hospital with pneumonia. Now, he is on constant oxygen. Nana has Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. This turn of events has made me realize that my time with my grandparents is precious and limited. They no longer walk me out to my car with warnings such as," lock your doors, don't talk to strangers, call us when you get home, and drive safe", then wave and say goodbye until you can't see them anymore. Nana was always a wonderful cook (roast and potatoes being her specialty) but isn't able to do that anymore due to the shaking and forgetfulness. Papa made the best chocolate milkshakes ever, but I'm not sure he could scoop the ice cream anymore. When I would spend the night at their house, he would make me a milkshake for breakfast and let me dip graham crackers in it. We would go for walks and look for treasures. On the last night he would get in bed with me and tell me stories. When I would walk in the room in the morning he would sing, "Here she comes! Ms. America." At night time I would crawl in his lap and go to sleep. He is the only grandfather I've ever had and I can't imagine my life without him. Stubborn as a mule but sweet as sugar. Time goes quickly. Make use of the time you have. My Nana can make friends with anyone. She is a social butterfly! I remember staying at her house one week during the summer. We went to climb up Enchanted Rock and an armadillo walked across my path! I screamed because I had never seen one alive! She laughed and laughed about that. When we were playing cards she would constantly ask her imaginary friend George on his opinion regarding what she should play. She would put makeup on me and we would go for walks around the neighborhood, stopping to talk to anyone that we passed. Nana may be small but she is a firecracker! I think I get some of my firecracker from her! Now most days, they sit and watch TV all day.....sometimes crying, sometimes staring off into space. Seeing my children gives them such joy and breaks up the monotony of their day. I make an effort to take the kids out to their house and spend time with them. It's a long drive and it's out of my way, but it's worth it to see their smiles and hear their laughter. Time is limited. Papa is dealing with depression and I absolutely know how he feels....I've been there. But I want to help. I want to drag him outside in the sun and let him breath the fresh air. I want to take him to lunch. More than that, I want my old Papa back. The Papa that whistles constantly. My Papa that pokes and aggravates and laughs until you finally hit him to make him stop. The Papa that makes kissing noises in your ear and then asks if the hair on your legs is growing. My Papa that walks with integrity, humility, patience and laughter. Now, my Papa cries easily. He doesn't like to leave the house. He watches TV most of the day. He doesn't talk as much but when he does, he talks about people that have died recently. I want to grab him by the shoulders and say," Don't go down this road! Emotional health affects physical health! I need you here with me. My kids need their Papa A. I need to hear you call me your babygirl, your favorite granddaughter. I need to be able to come to your house for a milkshake and hear you whistling!! I need you here with me!!" But I can't. Time is limited. But I have hope. Heaven is on the horizon for him. He is a saved man, saved by God's grace. He is going to heaven. No tears in heaven. No pain or worry. No more health problems. No more sadness! I imagine he will be sitting around with my Grandma, his sister and his parents, talking and laughing. Giving his sister fits, just like old times. He is saved. Heaven is his future. He can spend eternity praising God, the God he loves. He will be happy. Whistling as he walks down the streets of gold. But time is limited here. It always has been and I wish that I would have realized that sooner. I wish I would have stopped by their house every chance I got. Soaked up my time with them while truly understanding that time was limited. But, I didn't. And I regret that. I don't believe regret is in God's plan for me so instead I will try to savor the moments I had with Papa and the moments I will have for a little while longer. I'm trying to focus on the times that I have had instead of the times that I have neglected to spend with them. Time is limited and it makes me sad and regretful. But it makes me happy for Papa. He will soon be in Heaven, the perfect place. He will leave us here, trying to cope with a life without him and his teasing and whistling. We will be together one day in Heaven. And that will be an awesome reunion. To hear him call my babygirl and see happiness in his eyes. That time will not be sad or filled with pain. That time will not be limited. Praise God

A conversation with Avery

I need to write this down before I forget!
Avery's new favorite thing is to walk around in my shoes. This morning, she was walking around in my new high heels. I was doing my hair in the bathroom. She walks up to me and says, "Mommy, what are these?" (pointing to the shoes). I said, "those are Mommy's new shoes, called high heels." Ave says," High heels?" Me," Yes. High heels." She thinks a minute, then looks at me and says," Mommy (pointing to the shoes), these are high heels. (Standing with one hand on her hip and pointing at me)We don't touch rattlesnakes. They will bite you and are scary to me. I will see you later." and walks away.
Where does she get these things?! I'm still giggling....God is good

Ready for Fall and other ramblings

Alright, I think I'm done with the heat for awhile. I'm ready to feel a cool breeze. I'm ready for all the colorful leaves falling to the ground. I'm ready to not start sweating the minute I step out the door! Evenings in the Fall (and the mild winter that we have here) are so pleasant to be sitting outside enjoying the weather and your family. Since we live in the "new house" (Avery's term) we live on a short cul-de-sac with great families and tons of children to play with! I'm so excited to spend the evening sitting on the driveway, watching Avery and Nathan play in the street with all the other kids. It should be a welcome change from staying inside because it is too dang hot outside to do anything that does not involve water! Plus, Fall brings October (my favorite month!), Halloween, Thanksgiving and then Christmas! With the kids being older this year, all of these holidays will have new meaning. We can talk about the meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas, and really begin creating our own little family traditions. In the "new house" we have a fireplace! Super exciting! When the first cold snap hits (temps lower than 75) and you smell the familiar smell of a fire, you will know it's coming from my house! With that fireplace comes a mantle. I'm so excited to decorate the mantle with Halloween, Thanksgiving, and most of all Christmas decorations!! (Doug thinks I'm crazy...) I'm ready for more pictures like this:


This week I have realized more of the awesome ways God is blessing our family. The new house is a blessing. We have a safe, secure place to raise our family. A place to call home. God has blessed me so abundantly in the area of friends. Friends that we can go crazy with and know won't be judgemental. That will talk about things that are uncomfortable just so they know you better (and maybe to desensitize you a little bit). Friends that are in different places in their lives. Mommy friends that will totally understand when you call and say, "If I hear the phrase, don't want that, one more time I might explode" or just listen when you try to explain the indescribable feelings that go with being a mommy. Friends that you can pick up where you left off during your last get together no matter how long it had been. Incredible friends that are more like family than the family you have. They will tell you how they really feel instead of making it pretty.





And last but not least...A video. This is Avery saying mustache, broke, and singing "This is the Bible". We are working on the BR sound. I hope she isn't in 2-time one day, coloring away and the crayon breaks...

Nuts about Nate!

Things with Avery hadn't really calmed down when I started feeling strange. Again, I took a test to put my mind at ease, and was in shock when there were 2 pink lines staring back at me! Avery was still a baby. How was I going to raise 2 babies, giving each baby the time and attention they deserve?? One word to describe how I felt that day: Panic. This wasn't in my long term plan. It took awhile to sink in and in a few days I was excited. Well, I was worried and excited at the same time. Kent, Sherri, Doug, and I were about to go to Las Vegas in a few days (pregnant was not the way I was expecting to spend my vacation in Las Vegas!) but I wanted to see the Dr before we went. They did an u/s because I had no clue how far along I was. The u/s didn't show the baby. There was a sac but we couldn't see the baby. So, the Dr said 1 of 2 things was happening: 1) I was pregnant but it was too early to see the baby or 2) It wasn't a real pregnancy. Meaning my body thought I was pregnant but there wasn't a baby. I was to come back in 2 weeks for another u/s. If at that point we couldn't see the baby, I would have to have a D&C. Wow, what a way to start a vacation! We went to Vegas anyway(somewhat against the Dr's orders) and had a blast! I was constantly back and forth. I'm definitely pregnant, maybe I'm not. I was starting to feel sick and tired all day. 2 weeks later we went back to the Dr and there was Nate. It was a huge relief! Seeing that I can't have easy pregnancies, I began throwing up 3 times a day, without fail.

Since I had a c-section with Avery, the Dr thought it was best if I had a c-section with Nathan too. We set the date for August 28, 2008. The entire time I was pregnant with Nathan I worried about raising 2 babies at once. My main fear, though, was about putting them to sleep. While I was pregnant, we were still rocking Ave to sleep every time (1st child, clearly!). How in the world was I going to rock Nathan to sleep if Avery was awake? Or vice-versa? Doug is gone for 24 hours at a time so if he was at work, what was I going to do?

August 28th came and I checked into the hospital. Nathan was born at 7:20 weighing 9lbs 2oz and 21 inches long. A big baby! I got to hold him for a second then they took him away to get him cleaned up. While I was in recovery, the Dr came in and said Nate had been admitted to the NICU. He wasn't breathing right. A baby shouldn't be breathing as fast as he was. They ran some tests and found fluid in his lungs (transient tachypnea). There was also a problem with his blood sugar and a mild infection. When I was being moved from recovery to my room, they wheeled me into the NICU so I could see Nate. All I could see was his foot and all the wires that were attached to him. It was awful. After a c-section you can't walk for awhile so while everyone else could go look at Nate every 3 hours, I had to stay in bed. Doug would go and video tape Nathan during visitation and bring the video back so I could watch. During one video, Nathan just cried the whole time. Since he had a breathing problem, we couldn't pick him up as it might raise his heart rate and cause more problems. I cannot describe the feelings I was having. Watching Nate cry all alone in this warmer with a tube down his throat into his belly, a tiny oxygen cannula in his nose, an IV in his arm and gobs of wires attached to his chest was seriously the hardest thing I had ever experienced. Finally, I was able to go-via wheelchair- into the NICU to see Nathan. I held him and just cried and cried. We were only allowed to visit every 3 hrs. On Saturday, he was stable enough for me to nurse him. He nursed like a champ!

The stay at the hospital was full of ups and downs. We would come into the NICU and he was doing better, no IV and no oxygen. Next time, the IV was back. It was a roller coaster. Nathan was released from the NICU on Sunday afternoon. It was such a joy to have him in my room and be able to hold him anytime we wanted! We were given the green light for check-out Monday. Everything was packed and we were anxiously waiting for the Drs to check him over one more time, when the nurse came in. She said she was listening to his heart and heard a murmur. They had checked him back into the NICU and scheduled a ECG. They were calling a pediatric heart surgery team to see if they had any openings in their schedule, if needed. Again, my world stopped. It felt like he had been in my arms and they had snatched him away. After a few more hours we were able to go and watch the ECG. They did find a sizable hole in his heart. Conversations with the pediatric cardiologist and the NICU dr did not sound good. Doug and I were sent back to our room to wait and see what they Drs decided. I don't think I have ever prayed as hard as I did that day. Around 5pm, the nurse came in and said we could go! Just like that! I had to bring Nathan back in a few days for the NICU dr to listen to his heart and check his lungs, but if I promised to do that, we were free! A few days later, the Dr listened to his heart and said he didn't hear anything! What a miracle! Since then, we haven't had any report of a heart murmur, praise God!

Nathan is God's lesson to me about trusting Him. Things were rough with a 14 month old and a newborn. Avery couldn't walk, so it was hard for me to get out of the house without help. During that time in my life, I had to constantly remember (and be reminded!) that God wouldn't give me more than I could handle. About a month into Nathan's life, we realized he would go to sleep on his own! He didn't like to be rocked! Avery was, by then, going to sleep on her own. I didn't even need to worry about that, God took care of it! Today Nate is a pretty easy going little guy. He is learning to make faces at us and make us laugh. He has a temper!! Doug and I are trying to figure out how to deal with that. Boys are lots of fun. I'm so glad that God has His own plan because I know it is the best plan for me and my family!