Worrying

Avery goes in to have surgery on Thursday. She is having ear tubes put in and her adnoids taken out. Doug and I have prayed about this and discussed it in length. We feel this is the right thing to do. She has lots of fluid around and behind her ear drums and it is affecting her hearing. She failed the hearing test at the Dr and at the Audiologist's office. I want her to hear like normal kids. We have given the fluid over 3 yrs to go away without us interfering. It isn't going away. She can't hear appropriately. This is the right thing to do.

Yet, I worry. I know this is a common procedure. I know nearly 100% of kids come out of the surgery successfully. I have given it to God so many times, but I pick it right back up. She will be put to sleep (deeper than normal for the adnoid procedure) and intubated. As her mommy, that scares me more than anything. When I think about it too hard, I start to tear up. I think horrible thoughts. She is my baby girl.
I know I am very lucky. Some mommies have to deal with fears far worse than mine, on an everday basis. For that, I am grateful. Avery is a healthy girl. She is strong.

She has questions about what is going to happen. It is so hard for me not to show my fear to her as I try to explain, in the best way possible, what is going to happen. She asks questions and I know the answers will upset her. I want to protect her from fear but I don't want her to blindly be put in a hospital bed without any clue as to what is going on. It's such a fine line.

I'm trusting the promise that God won't give me more than I can handle. I'm reciting this verse from Philipians 4:6 "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

That is what I need. God's peace that exceeds anything I could understand.

Dear Doodle

Dear Doodle,

I'm writing you a letter to document this time in your life. You are beginning to change from a little girl to a big girl. It's such a special time and I don't want to forget a second. You are growing up so fast! Recently, we have been having conversations about your wedding/getting married. Sweetie, slow down. That will get here soon enough. Right now I want you to enjoy being 4. Making BFFs, playing hard, learning about God's world, and so many other things. Your favorite song is "Beautiful" by Mercy Me. We were driving home from Nonnie's house, listening to that song and you said, "Momma, when I get married, can we play this song at my wedding?" The question stunned me. You are only 4, babygirl! How can you already be planning your wedding in that little head of yours? The next day, you informed me that you are ready to get married. You aren't sure to who yet :) We had a little sit down talk about this. "Who are you going to marry?". "Daddy, he is my Prince". "Honey, Daddy is already married to me." "That's ok, momma. He can be your Prince, too. I'll share" My sweet girl :)

It's fine to dream. I will dream with you. But don't forget to live for today. Take in God's plan for your today, instead of missing it because you are wrapped up in your wedding day. I'm afraid you come by this dreaming naturally. I always dreamed of my wedding day, too. But I don't want you to miss anything! You are beautiful, special, compassionate, empathetic, funny, and so much more. The time will come for you (or us) to plan that very special day on which you will marry the Prince that God has waiting for you. Be little, for now! Enjoy you innocence and worry free world. You are a treasure that is being molded to have everything you need for your future. I am blessed beyond measure to have the honor of raising you. You rocked my world the second you were born. I have been learning from you ever since that day and I'm excited to see what God has in store for you. Thank you for loving me through all the mistakes I make. You are an angel and I love you more than you will ever know.

You are a very inquisitive little girl. You always want to know what is going to be happening in your world. Your questions amaze me. I may be biased but you are very smart. You are pretty fluent in sign language, can say the Pledge of Allegiance by memory, count by 10s to 100 and you think a Cinderella ice pack can make any booboo feel better. Always willing to help, you are learning about our responsibility to serve others as Jesus would. That is one of my favorite parts about being your mommy. Teaching you how to serve is so important to me.

Thank you for loving me. I love you more every day.

Always and forever, Princess,

Mommy

Bad Blogger....

**Don't know why this post was never...posted. Anyway, here it is....1 yr late :)**

I know, I'm failing miserably at this blogging thing. Everytime I sit down to blog, something else pops into my head that I could be doing or I decide that there isn't much to blog about that people would be interested in reading. So, I'm going to catch you up and then go empty the dishwasher!

As I blog, Nathan is supposed to be napping. Instead, he is roaring like a lion in his bed. He is absolutely a strong willed child. He has a scream that rattles your ear drums and enjoys watching your reaction while he does it. That poem that says something about, "and when he was good, he was very, very good and when he was bad, he was horrid" fits Nate quite well. He throws everything within reach, will scream if he doesn't get his way, loves to aggravate his sister, gets into everything, and when he is mad, he is MAD. Yet, he is quick to giggle, and give you a kiss. Nate will come crawling at high speed if you sit down and open your arms to him. His smile melts my heart. He is usually content to play by himself. No, he isn't walking yet, but he is pulling up and cruising more and more. He can be a cuddlebug when he is tired. I love my Naters. He signs (this isn't a complete list): more, no, yes, grapes, dog, cat, bird, please, thank you, daddy, mommy, sleep, drink, eat, motorcycle, car, horse, Papa, Nonnie, all done, shoes, and monkey, go, candy, leaf, tree, flower....He is one smart boy! In almost all of the picture I have of Nate, his lovee is present as well. This dog is his everything! I wash it all the time (thank goodness my washing machine has a sanitize feature!). The other morning, while I was washing it, he noticed it was missing. He sat on the floor and signed dog for a good 30 minutes before we took him for a car ride to distract him. It was a sad, sad, time.

Avery is a talker. She has lots of questions and will keep asking them until you answer her. I love watching her figure things out. She doesn't play by herself. Many days it feels like she is trying to re-enter my body. Sitting next to me (more like On me) on the couch, following me to the bathroom, saying"Mommy, sit with me" while she is eating. "What are you doing?" "What are you looking for?" "Why not?" "Where is it?" "Where are you going?" "Why?" "What happened?"...it never stops. Her conversations are priceless. She is strong willed too (seems to be a trend...) and we are trying to figure out the best way to parent her. Ave is such a lover and a great big sister. She refuses to start potty training. Not quite sure what to do about that one. Tonight at dinner her prayer was, "Dear God, thank you for our food (at this point, she stops to give me a nod.) Thank you for our family. Thank you for our friends. For My friends. My friends are far away (spreading her arms wide). Thank you for...(breaking into song) listening. God is listening, God is listening, when we pray, when we pray. Bow your head so quietly, close your eyes so tightly...Nay-Nate...Close Your Eyes!" At this point I was laughing so hard I didn't hear the rest of the prayer. Her comment this morning when I was getting her dressed, "Ugh..my pants are falling up." She is the Best big sister!

Halloween was fun. Ave was Dorothy and Nate was the Cowardly Lion. We did the usual. Trunk or Treat with the church and on Halloween night, we go to close friends and families houses.





Christmas was a great time to be with family. I love the Holidays but the days without routine get to me. HoHo brought Nate an alligagtor rocker and Ave a piano. HoHo also brought them a very loud flute. I don't know what he was thinking....

Under Construction: The Gray Area

How do you balance being a wife, mommy, manager, house cleaner, chef, friend, daughter, and laundromat without losing yourself??

I'm beginning to think that what my dad has been saying ALL my life may be true. It's about balance. Meaning I balance my friend time with my hubby time and my mommy time. I went on a BFF date this evening (and had a GREAT time!) and couldn't help feeling guilty that I wasn't there to put the kids to bed. I wasn't there to do our 'Thing' (in which we sit down, sing praise songs, talk about our prayer requests, and then have a chain prayer....sweet, sweet time). I haven't been on a date night in a while and deep down I know that spending a night away from them every once in a while is good for both parties involved. But, the guilt is still there. While I was screaming while watching a scary movie, I was missing the cuddling and hearing sweet voices singing praises to Him.

Another example: I needed to cook dinner but the kids seemed to Need me. I told myself that cooking dinner was important and let them play by themselves for awhile. Before I know it, Nate is screaming that Ave "Squeezed his arm like This (insert iron fist here)!!". Avery wanted Nathan to dance with her. She needed some attention (and a dance partner) while I was playing chef. Should I have been playing Prince or chef?

I liken this feeling to an exercise Sherri told me about. Imagine you are standing in the middle of 4 cones...each a bit far out of reach from your place in the center. Someone yells, "front-left!" and you run to touch that cone and run back to the middle. Now imagine all the responsibilities you have in your life, taped to various cones and spread around a baseball field. Someone yells, "Mommy time!" and you run to that cone, take care of the responsibility and run back to home plate. Then, "Laundry!" There and back. "Daughter time". Run! "Wife". "Grocery shop"...Whew! It's never ending!

Each cone is important but there are some more important than others. The Mommy cone is very important. As are the wife, friend, and daughter cones. The Chef cone can be put on the back burner (that's what delivery is for). The laundry cone becomes increasingly bigger the longer you ignore it. Same with the housekeeping cone.

In my anxious times I feel like all I am doing is running from cone to cone. In my peaceful times, the cones are sitting close together. All within arms reach. Sometimes, my cones move apart and I can't even reach them. Those are the times I feel as if I'm drowning....running without moving. It's in those times that I have to call out. I pray for peace. For the anxiousness to go away. For me to be SuperMom and for God to intercede. I also call out for my friends and family. My friends that are family. I couldn't get through without them. They come and move the cones closer. They take care of the cones that have me overwhelmed.

It's during those times that God gives me glimpses of what is important. Mainly, my children and their childhood. A random hug from Nathan or an "I love you, Mommy" from Avery. They are precious. Precious in my sight and in His. The things they do that lift my heart are innumerous. Their laughter, singing praise songs in the backseat, learning more about the world, playing together, giving me hugs and kisses, simply smiling when the cones are moving farther away. They get me through. My family gets me though. He gets me through.

I don't know where this post was going. But I felt the need to let others know....I feel overwhelmed, too. He can help us all.

Easter is about Jesus!

Easter is one of my favorite times of year. I love the colors, the decorations, the cute Easter outfits and the meaning of Easter. That Jesus is not in the tomb! He was crucified for our sins but He Rose again! Hallelujah!

Avery is a bit young to capture the idea of death and dying but she knows the words and knows that Jesus died on the cross. We read many books about Easter and talked in great lengths about the meaning of this special holiday. So, when I told her that we were going to dye Easter eggs tomorrow with our friends, she looked at me in horror. She said ," We can't dye the Easter eggs! I don't want to!" I said (clearly not catching on....), "That is what we do when Easter comes" Avery is almost in tears and says," But I don't want to kill the eggs! That's mean! Why are they dying?!" "Ah...." And so started the discussion of the difference between the words dye and die. After the discussion she said she understood but whenever I would mention that we would be dyeing eggs soon, she would look a little panicked.

Every year we get together with the same family to dye eggs. The Martensens have a little boy 6 weeks older than Nate. We have been friends with them since before the boys were born and started the tradition the first Easter that the boys had. It gets more interesting every year! This year we had a 3 1/2 yr old girl and 2 2 1/2 yr old boys that love to throw things. Even when you say, "Gentle! We don't throw eggs! and especially not into something that will stain!".

Since Daddy was working on Easter day, we had our family Easter on Good Friday. I love letting the kids set the eggs outside in their basket for the Easter bunny to hide and leave goodies in their place. I even love waking up with Daddy at 6am to hide the eggs in the dark, wet, somewhat spooky, backyard. I love the anticipation during breakfast as they look outside to try and see what's in their basket and where the Easter bunny hid the eggs. Family memories :)

Avery told me that in an Easter basket, the Easter bunny always leaves a chocolate bunny. And look at that, he did! And look at that, I'm letting them eat the chocolate bunnies! Amazing!

I found the most precious Easter outfits for the kids. Avery is into anything that looks like a Princess dress, that swirls like a Princess dress, and is purple! Check, check, check! She loved it!! Nate was less impressed. His outfit matched his sisters outfit but more on a GQ level. Purple shirt, grey vest, black trousers and a clip on tie! It was adorable! He didn't agree.

Easter Sunday was an interesting morning. Doug and I went to volunteer in the signing office at LTC in Dallas from Fri afternoon-Sat evening. On the way home Saturday night I realized that the black shoes that I had planned on Nathan wearing wouldn't fit! Everything was closed when I got home! So, Easter morning comes and I try to squeeze the shoes onto Nate's feet. Not.Gonna.Happen. We all get dressed and ready for church, except Nathan's bare feet and skip class to go to Walmart in search of some black dress shoes. To my surprise.....they Don't Have ANY! Luckily, when I was texting with my brilliant mom that morning and telling her that I was going to have to go to walmart for shoes she had some wonderful advice "you may want to take an extra pair of church clothes for him unless walmart doesn't have anything." Well, walmart didn't have anything so I ended up changing Nate in the car. Which he did not like. Into way less cuter clothes that didn't match his sister. Which I did not like. Nathan hadn't quite gotten over the morning when it was picture time.

As I was growing up, I didn't understand how much work holidays are for the parents. Holidays change schedules, cost money, and take planning and preparation. Among all the craziness, I try to remember that things don't have to be perfect. Baskets don't have to look aesthetically pleasing. Kids don't have to match on Easter morning with brand new clothes. What matters most, is that our family comes together to celebrate the holiday. No matter what it is or how it turns out (according to plan or not) we are making memories and traditions that will last throughout our children's life. Glorifying God with our celebration and making sure that our kids understand the true meanings of the holidays. And that is what matters most.

Time is limited

I know, I know..I'm a bad blogger! Raising 2 kids, keeping up with a house, a job and a husband leaves little time for blogging! Funny how someone getting sick causes you to visit them more often. My grandparents live on the same plot of land as my parents and often I would drive by their house to my parents' house without giving them a second thought. Then, my sweet papa recently spent almost a week in the hospital with pneumonia. Now, he is on constant oxygen. Nana has Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. This turn of events has made me realize that my time with my grandparents is precious and limited. They no longer walk me out to my car with warnings such as," lock your doors, don't talk to strangers, call us when you get home, and drive safe", then wave and say goodbye until you can't see them anymore. Nana was always a wonderful cook (roast and potatoes being her specialty) but isn't able to do that anymore due to the shaking and forgetfulness. Papa made the best chocolate milkshakes ever, but I'm not sure he could scoop the ice cream anymore. When I would spend the night at their house, he would make me a milkshake for breakfast and let me dip graham crackers in it. We would go for walks and look for treasures. On the last night he would get in bed with me and tell me stories. When I would walk in the room in the morning he would sing, "Here she comes! Ms. America." At night time I would crawl in his lap and go to sleep. He is the only grandfather I've ever had and I can't imagine my life without him. Stubborn as a mule but sweet as sugar. Time goes quickly. Make use of the time you have. My Nana can make friends with anyone. She is a social butterfly! I remember staying at her house one week during the summer. We went to climb up Enchanted Rock and an armadillo walked across my path! I screamed because I had never seen one alive! She laughed and laughed about that. When we were playing cards she would constantly ask her imaginary friend George on his opinion regarding what she should play. She would put makeup on me and we would go for walks around the neighborhood, stopping to talk to anyone that we passed. Nana may be small but she is a firecracker! I think I get some of my firecracker from her! Now most days, they sit and watch TV all day.....sometimes crying, sometimes staring off into space. Seeing my children gives them such joy and breaks up the monotony of their day. I make an effort to take the kids out to their house and spend time with them. It's a long drive and it's out of my way, but it's worth it to see their smiles and hear their laughter. Time is limited. Papa is dealing with depression and I absolutely know how he feels....I've been there. But I want to help. I want to drag him outside in the sun and let him breath the fresh air. I want to take him to lunch. More than that, I want my old Papa back. The Papa that whistles constantly. My Papa that pokes and aggravates and laughs until you finally hit him to make him stop. The Papa that makes kissing noises in your ear and then asks if the hair on your legs is growing. My Papa that walks with integrity, humility, patience and laughter. Now, my Papa cries easily. He doesn't like to leave the house. He watches TV most of the day. He doesn't talk as much but when he does, he talks about people that have died recently. I want to grab him by the shoulders and say," Don't go down this road! Emotional health affects physical health! I need you here with me. My kids need their Papa A. I need to hear you call me your babygirl, your favorite granddaughter. I need to be able to come to your house for a milkshake and hear you whistling!! I need you here with me!!" But I can't. Time is limited. But I have hope. Heaven is on the horizon for him. He is a saved man, saved by God's grace. He is going to heaven. No tears in heaven. No pain or worry. No more health problems. No more sadness! I imagine he will be sitting around with my Grandma, his sister and his parents, talking and laughing. Giving his sister fits, just like old times. He is saved. Heaven is his future. He can spend eternity praising God, the God he loves. He will be happy. Whistling as he walks down the streets of gold. But time is limited here. It always has been and I wish that I would have realized that sooner. I wish I would have stopped by their house every chance I got. Soaked up my time with them while truly understanding that time was limited. But, I didn't. And I regret that. I don't believe regret is in God's plan for me so instead I will try to savor the moments I had with Papa and the moments I will have for a little while longer. I'm trying to focus on the times that I have had instead of the times that I have neglected to spend with them. Time is limited and it makes me sad and regretful. But it makes me happy for Papa. He will soon be in Heaven, the perfect place. He will leave us here, trying to cope with a life without him and his teasing and whistling. We will be together one day in Heaven. And that will be an awesome reunion. To hear him call my babygirl and see happiness in his eyes. That time will not be sad or filled with pain. That time will not be limited. Praise God

A conversation with Avery

I need to write this down before I forget!
Avery's new favorite thing is to walk around in my shoes. This morning, she was walking around in my new high heels. I was doing my hair in the bathroom. She walks up to me and says, "Mommy, what are these?" (pointing to the shoes). I said, "those are Mommy's new shoes, called high heels." Ave says," High heels?" Me," Yes. High heels." She thinks a minute, then looks at me and says," Mommy (pointing to the shoes), these are high heels. (Standing with one hand on her hip and pointing at me)We don't touch rattlesnakes. They will bite you and are scary to me. I will see you later." and walks away.
Where does she get these things?! I'm still giggling....God is good